Daddy Monkey

Daddy Monkey

Following on from the “what is a man” blog, it seems a natural progression to discuss in depth what the role of the father should be in the early and adolescent life of children, particularly boys. 

The element that has been lost thanks to centuries of religious and societal ignorance and the need to produce first, generations of canon fodder and now, emasculated versions of what men should be whilst women aspire to the toxic masculinity they claim to find so abhorrent. 

The father as role model is paramount to the healthy development of both boys and girls. The weak father figure produces weak boys and girls who feel that they must take on the masculine role (like mother) to control situations that men seem incapable of engaging in.

I meet so many men in relationships who are subservient in the extreme to their partner.

We see it in film and television, especially in comedy. 

The group of men sneaking away for a weekend in las vegas or to go fishing. Having to lie to their wives who control the family home in order to have some time with “the boys.”

Like children lying to their mothers as they go off to do something naughty whilst remaining terrified she may find out what it really is they are up to.

Grown men acting like naughty school boys. 

Grown men incapable of making decisions about whether to go shopping or not.

Grown men looking for the “easy life” and spending their weekends doing things they have no interest in. All to appease “her indoors” and not get told off or shouted at.

Grown men having to beg or deceive just to watch a game of football with their friends.

“Men behaving badly” when they are finally let off the leash.

A man being parented by his woman.

Any sense of freedom or irresponsibility immediately quashed by the woman in the relationship who is controlling every facet of family life. Like a father should be sharing in doing.

Yes, a father.

We saw this in our own father and mother so now it has been normalised.

Mother is the boss.

Mother makes the rules.

Mother must be obeyed.

Whatever happens, don’t upset Mother.

Our fathers showed us this. Don’t upset your mother when really they were still trying not to upset their own.

They exchanged one for the other and now we are doing the same.

As a child or as a fully grown man - don’t upset Mother.

Some of us end up so full of resentment, anger and frustration we end up hating women altogether.

We become either subservient to or full of hatred for womankind. 

Neither are healthy and neither are the way things were meant to be.

We may deny it but we allowed it to happen and in all fairness, generation after generation of women have had very little choice but to take on the role of leader.

The only men in positions of power are truly the toxic, misogynistic, narcissistic types who we don't wish to emulate either. If we do then we are missing the point entirely.

See Andrew Tate.

We can love and respect women but we can also love and respect ourselves.

Yes, we can. Honestly!

But first we need to work out what it is we are missing and we won’t find it in most other men. We need to dive deeper and work it out for ourselves.

When discussing the role of father recently I came up with the phrase thus:

PROTECT and DIRECT.

Sounds quite punchy in English, not sure how it will translate?

Protection seems quite obvious. The males of the tribe need to be able to physically protect the women and children. That’s quite obvious. Even the toughest of women is going to get flattened by her equivalent male counterpart in a physical battle.

Toxic man of course, has come to the conclusion that violence is the only form of protection based on this truth alone. Two thousand years of war and genocide shows us that.

But protection isn't just about physical force and physical protection.

What about our spiritual and emotional wellbeing?

Our church leaders and gurus are not to be trusted either as they are just as traumatised and undeveloped as the poor souls they purport to be leading towards God.

Emotional support in our schools today seems to consist of avoiding any offence being caused whatsoever and encouraging children to believe that they can be whatever they feel that they can be and that anyone who disagrees is some sort of fascist.

There is a fine line between protecting a child's sense of self and preparing them for a world that doesn’t actually care that much about them and how they feel.

It is a temporary illusion of diversity and equality.

The father must be the one who cares, listens and provides tools to navigate the rest of their lives.

This is the DIRECT.

But direct what?

Direct the emotions. Simple.

A brief description of the sympathetic nervous system is needed here.

More precisely the polyvagal nervous system.

Just like all other aspects of the human body, the nervous system has to develop. Just like the brain or muscles or even the digestive system.

They start out very basic and fragile and develop over time and into adulthood.

When we are small our nervous system is unregulated - think screaming baby who just won’t stop until he gets what he needs. The child can be calmed, usually by the mothers touch and having its basic needs met.

Scream - need is met. Simple.

As the child gets older however, the parent needs to teach them how to calm themselves down. When the nervous system is over aroused, the child can lose control. Think freak out on the supermarket floor. Think endless tears at bedtime. Think, can’t sleep because of that fucked up Disney film you let them watch before bed.

The child doesn’t know how to regulate their nervous system and is looking to you, as when they were a baby, to do it for them. Here we must show them the way. Not ignore their emotional outbursts but not to completely pander to them either.

As we age, we begin to explore our environment. We start to take risks. The playground is a good example. Each day we explore a little further but what is the deciding factor is that Mother or especially Father are there to run back to should the fear or trepidation get too much.

What is happening is that the child is gradually learning to regulate their own nervous system.

I can go into fear or nervousness but a parent is always there to run too if needed. With the parent I can calm down again.

I always use the example of monkeys or apes. Watch any nature documentary and you will see what I mean. The babies gradually move further and further out into the world but whenever there is a shock or something they are unsure of they run back to the parents arms. Here, they calm down before beginning the cycle again and again.

Eventually, the young monkey stops running back to the parent as he can now regulate his own nervous system and becomes a self aware, functioning adult monkey.

Does this happen with human babies? I would say for most, for the first few years - possibly. Does it continue into adolescence? Not really.

A baby monkey has spiders, snakes and bigger monkeys to deal with or maybe he just fell out of the tree. The baby human has a psychological maelstrom and world full of social, mental and emotional turmoil to contend with but these need to be covered in the same way as the monkey and the snake.

The adult monkey knows the spider is harmless but the snake will kill you and teaches the baby that this is the case by their reaction, all the while allowing the baby to take risks and discover some of this for itself.

Monkeys don’t have the sense of self, ego and supposed free will that humans have. Monkeys don’t do capitalism. Monkeys don’t live in a tribe which runs on shame and insufficiency. Monkeys don’t have internet porn and the illusion of definition based upon social media likes and emojis.

The gamut of emotions experienced by a child growing up is never ending and how we deal with risk, disappointment, rejection and injustice among others things are what shape us going into adulthood.

Did your father sit you down and discuss such things with you?

Did he give you the tools to cope with rejection, ridicule, brutality and unfairness?

Did he teach you perseverance, discernment and how to create healthy boundaries?

Did he teach you to say “no!”

“No thanks?”

If he did then I’m not sure why you’ve read so far but well done anyway.

Your father did his number one job and he did it well.

If the answer is no, then read on.

Most conflict in human relationships (any human relationship) is about triggers.

We have something unresolved in our shadow self. The part of ourselves that lives behind the mask of our personality. When another triggers this unresolved wound then we react from the place of the wounded child.

We were never taught how to process this wound and thus, the polyvagal nervous system is triggered too and we begin to react from a place of anxiety. Responding with anger, stress or victimhood. 

All maladjusted relationships are a case of:

One persons unresolved trauma fighting against another’s unresolved trauma.

As a child we discovered ways to react which may have worked at the time but now in adulthood they don’t help at all.

Personality disorders especially those of the narcissistic variety are examples of this. If going into victim or bully worked when you were four years old then why don’t they work in your forties?

That question is rarely asked.

If retreating into ourselves or disassociating worked then, it is not serving us now.

Most of our coping responses were designed by a five year old. Our own five year old.

When we are arguing with someone, in conflict with someone - It is one five year olds coping mechanism against another. This is why resolving conflict is so impossible sometimes.

This is where we need to look and where we must work.

On those parts of ourselves that the father figure didn’t acknowledge, let alone show us how to work through.

Who showed us how to work through our anger?

Our disappointment?

Our first broken heart?

Our loss of dignity in the classroom?

That missed opportunity or promotion?

We have to re-parent or re-raise ourselves.

As adults.

Find those solutions as adults. On our own.

It is the only solution.

Step one: Find our needs that weren’t met earlier in life. We have probably spent our adult life unconsciously searching for others to meet these needs. If we don’t know what they are ourselves then how can anybody else? Were our needs “seen” by others? Are they now seen by ourselves? We will have found ways to hide, distract from or reject these and thus much work on ourselves with the help of a good therapist will be required. Our needs are our right. EVERYBODY has needs!

Step two: Create healthy boundaries to begin to protect who we are and what we require from others and from life. This can be very difficult if we haven’t been shown how and if our parents were the dominating figures in our lives. Who put their emotional needs above those of the children. Emotional incest is a topic not much spoken about but something I see very often in my work with people. Once we begin to see ourselves and accept we have valid needs then we must find ways to attain and protect them ourselves.

Step three: Begin to meet our own needs. Accept our weaknesses, discover our hidden trauma and put things in place to live a full life. This is not selfishness if done from a place of self healing. A strong adult in touch with their weaknesses is a far more useful member of society and to friends and family.

Step four: Create a different world view and start attracting positive people into your life. If we are coming from a place of misery and woe, of fake personality, then we attract people of a similar ilk. Once we begin to walk our own path with strength, humility and honesty then we begin to attract a different type of person into our lives. Our bullshit detector begins to sniff out the undesirables and because we now have boundaries in place we are able to sidestep gently away from those that no longer serve us.

It sounds so simple when one writes it down but of course it is a long road. 

Much fear, anger and sorrow awaits.

Waiting to be dissolved.

However, the cleansing of our soul is a priceless victory should we choose to embark upon it.

This is the true meaning of spiritual growth.

To become the best possible version of ourselves and to undertake our true souls’ journey.

Burn the karmic patterns and move forward into a world of our intended identity.